There’s a fairly chance that is good hookup begins (and end) here
We’ve explained frat rush. We’ve explained srat rush. Now, we’re describing another painfully confusing and time intensive procedure that types the main backbone of Columbia pupil life: the hookup tradition. This post is just a satirical description of the tradition, as recognized with a second-semester sophomore who’s in the asexual range, just got away from a critical long-distance relationship, and has now yet to connect with anybody at Columbia.
Barney Stinson when stated that a relationship is much like a freeway; as soon as you log on to, you will find designated exits at very very carefully predetermined intervals that are periodic. This analogy appears just a little simplistic and a small arbitrary for the genuine world – which means it is ideal for Columbia. right right Here, I present the seven exits associated with Columbia hookup highway.
1. Night one:
You meet somebody at an event, or match together with them on Tinder, or have actually a moment of extremely romantic attention contact across Ferris during top dinner hour (the initial two choices are greatly predisposed). You participate in some type or sorts of intercourse (definitions be determined by the individual). You extricate yourself instantly a short while later and grab some halal, then casually begin walking faster when you see them on campus. About 65% of prospective couples – the great majority – only survive this long.
2. Three times:
After the party/Tinder/Ferris pasta experience, you stay the and exchange phone numbers night. You are going out for coffee a few days later, then you definitely or they decide that is an sexcamly adequate amount of a relationship for at the very least the the following month. You never text one another once more, then purposefully lay on reverse sides associated with room once you unavoidably end in a seminar year that is together senior. About 12% of possible partners survive this long.
3. per week . 5:
This is often the stop that is same 3 days; it simply took you much much longer to possess that 2nd date due to your as well as your hookup’s exhaustively busy schedules. About 8% of potential partners survive this long.
4. 30 days:
Initial two rounds of intercourse (usually one drunk, one maybe maybe perhaps not drunk) are fairly effective and also you don’t have major midterms for a handful of days, and that means you take to a few more dates with all the person. It seems pretty ideal for some time, mostly because you’re having regular sex and occasionally don’t have to pay money for your personal beverages, but will eventually result in 3 to 4 days as you feel much more comfortable investing a summer time internship application than a real living, breathing person. About 10% of partners survive this long.
5. One semester:
You determine to put it away and commit. Your partner wil attract, smart, good during intercourse, capable of getting to the most useful EC events, and it has an aunt working at a effective business in your industry of option – in other terms, all you want away from a relationship. After two months, though, you recognize there are an abundance of other appealing, smart, etc. individuals at Columbia, plus the odds of you unintentionally kissing certainly one of them while blacked down at 1020 are more than the probability of you nevertheless planning to get coffee because of the person that is same summer break. The breakup is shared, and followed closely by a complex a number of plans to make certain you should never be when you look at the exact same town block as your ex again. About 4% of partners survive this long.
6. Couple of years:
You probably think here is the One – the main one you are able to stay to talk about a bed that is twin every week-end evening as you hate your roomie exactly that much, that is. But after couple of years, you recognize which you probably won’t find yourself in identical city as this individual after graduation, and additionally they didn’t laugh at this 1 Orgo evening laugh, while having they constantly snored that loudly, and… it’s simply not well worth it any longer. A lot of the same friends, so the breakup permanently ruptures your social life for the rest of college about 2% of couples (half of which are Barnard wlw couples formed during NSOP) survive this long – and by this long, you and your significant other probably share. You seriously consider transferring.
7. Death:
If you receive really, really happy (or perhaps you delude your self actually, very well), someplace at Columbia, you’ll find the individual with who you are interested to buy a house in Westchester, raise 1.5 kids, and obtain purchase matching gravestones. The portion of partners whom survive this long is merely 1%, however their young ones often enter into Columbia! (For proof, we provide the only few in this category who i am aware: my friend’s parents.)